Sometimes they go back.

How does it happen that the things we crave are the things that hurt us most? I crave chocolate, so I eat it. Then it raises my blood sugar and then it raises my anxiety. I crave the ultimate alone time, so I become a hermit. Then depression washes over me even more than when I had been preoccupied with work and surrounded by people who care about me.

The second circumstance happened for the third time in my life this past fall. I didn’t want the world to see the real me, the vulnerable me, the me with depression. I’d rather come up with some excuse to escape the world for a few months. I ran away from troublesome situations instead of dealing directly with the issues that increase my anxiety and eventually depression.

I enjoy being back at work. That’s not to say there’s not stress, but I realize how much I need to keep busy and be around people in the months where I am most affected by seasonal depression.

I will likely return permanently after creating plans for balancing my life with work. Taking walks every workday on the nearby Boulder Creek Trail while making sure to keep up with elliptical and balance ball workouts. Bringing the Macbook for writing time during the commute and during lunch. Falling asleep at 8:30pm if my body tells me so. Falling asleep at 11pm if my body allows me. Making sure I keep in touch with friends and family (because being surrounded by people includes those who aren’t in Colorado, too).

As my husband encouraged me, I am capable of doing this without too much impact on my health. This time, I will prove it with all the determination of my stubborn self.  (Besides, I owe it to the people who believe in me to start believing in myself.)

Posted on February 20, 2008, in Anxiety, Diabetes, Fitness, Health, Seasonal Affective Disorder. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. You know we believe in you.

  2. Scott K. Johnson

    Sounds like you have a good plan – I’m sure you’ll do great with it.

    And yes, we do believe in you!

  3. An inspiring post for me Rachel – it’s amazing how often you’ve put my own thoughts into words here. We’re really very alike.

    I’m borrowing your words “I owe it to the people who believe in me to start believing in myself” and I will repeat them to myself as many times as I can remember today… I need that!

  4. I, too, suffer from SAD, but also am bipolar. A nasty mix. Sometimes my husband doesn’t understand my need to hibernate during winter. He thinks I should be up and accomplishing things when all I have the energy to do is sit in bed with my laptop and read medical blogs.

    I’m a professional writer who lives in Aptos. Maybe sometime we should get together for coffee, being that we’re practically neighbors. Send me an email if you are interested.



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