The third truth.

(This comes from the 30 Days of Truth meme, which Julia and Cinnamon have also pledged to do.  I will not post a truth every single day, but like Cinnamon, I’d like to finish by the end of the year.  We’ll see.)

Day #3 – Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I am not always good at being there for those close to me when they need me the most.  It’s not because I don’t care.  It’s not because I don’t want to help.  It’s not because I’m not constantly thinking of them and what is haunting them.

It’s quite stupid, actually.  It goes back to my weird self-esteem issues.   I worry too much about saying or doing the wrong thing, so I say or do nothing.  This has led to regrets over being so timid.  Whether it has been a good friend or a co-worker or even family members, I shy away from doing the right thing, which should be so easy.  Just being there in a time of need should be enough.

Never did I realize this than when I needed people to be there for me when I was sick last winter and spring.  I didn’t expect anything from people on the periphery, yet they said and did things to show they cared. Even after all the drama of surgeries and hospitalizations was long over, some made the effort to ask me how I was doing.

And to be honest, I noticed who wasn’t there, who didn’t make that effort, who seemingly ignored what I was going through, for whatever reasons that they held close to them.

Since then, I have attempted to make that effort of just being there and following up with people weeks or months after their times of need.  I can only hope I am doing right by them.

I should be able to look forward and see what I learned from my own crappy experience, yet I still regret putting my own insecure feelings over others’ needs for support in the past.  Forgiving myself – yeah, it is something I really must do.

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