Without the mask.
It felt safe.
I could be myself. Anxiety, depression, diabetes, major abdominal surgeries – all out on the table like a buffet. With all that disclosure came more confidence; with all that disclosure out of the way, focus could be achieved.
The longer I stayed, the more I learned in the face of downsizing. The longer I stayed, the more they depended on me in the face of pay cuts.
All of a sudden, I needed to break free, start fresh, find stability.
***
It does not feel safe.
I cannot be myself. Bits and pieces of the health story are out on the table, but not full disclosure. Confidence and focus are sinking further each and every day.
The longer I stay, the less I learn. The longer I stay, the less they depend on me.
***
Which leads me to a question. In the workplace, is it better to keep the mask of normalcy on, leaving all everything inside to fester – or is it better to rip the mask off, exposing all that is true in order to actually thrive in the face of adversity?
Because one of these days, the mask might just fall off and the worst will be revealed. And then what? Would they still trust me to do the job?
***
This is an entry for the next ChronicBabe blog carnival – about living behind the mask of “super-coping Chronic Babe”.
Posted on October 19, 2011, in Health. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.
To be honest, I left the mask on as long as possible when I was working. I took it off when the $#*+ hit the fan and then judged my employer’s reaction to see if the job was still a good fit for me. It wasn’t easy. Good luck to you!
That’s such a tough question! I like the idea of having everything out in the open, but have only actually tried it once, when it ended in disaster! It sounds as though you were considered pretty special at your old job. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!