Judgment day.

Still trying to make sense of this latest round of anxiety.

I know of two things that are true:

  1. Strict deadlines make me more anxious.  Since I work in the accounting department of my small company, there are all sorts of deadlines.  While I’ve had to abide by a strict daily deadline for over a year regarding a particular task at work, I was recently given another (more complicated) task that must be done daily.  No ifs, ands, or buts – there’s quite a bit of responsibility riding on it.  Oh, and the first task is one that no one has ever been able to fully understand but me.  And I’m going on vacation in two weeks, and then again in four weeks, and then again in six weeks.  Though I’m confident in my manager’s ability to understand, I’m not confident in my ability to train.  This task is so ingrained into my daily routine that I may not be able to grasp what everyone’s always had difficulty understanding.
  2. When I begin having frequent panic attacks like I have had as a result of #1, all the issues I’ve swept aside in the past slowly crawl out from the woodwork. I ask myself, why didn’t I deal with this crap the last time? As the panic attacks become more and more frequent, a sense of hopelessness over not being able to control myself begins to develop into depression.  I start retreating from work responsibilities, from family, from life.

So that’s where I am.  Hopelessly overwhelmed.  It seems I may have found the right doctor this time around, someone who sees me as a partner in getting better rather than a student.  Against my better judgment, I’ve subscribed to “better living through chemistry”.   Let’s face it, I need to stop that depression in its tracks in order to deal with all the crap once and for all.

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6 Responses to Judgment day.

  1. CALpumper says:

    Good luck.
    You have a good grasp on what your triggers are and that is key.
    You are doing great. With time, things will settle.

  2. Lisa says:

    I understand all about better living through chemistry. It’s not a bad thing. If I can do it, anyone can!

  3. Scott K. Johnson says:

    You can do it – and if you need anything at all just let us know!


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