Clouds over blue sky.

In 2011,

Hours searched for a new job: hundreds

Résumés sent: 71

Times rewriting the basic résumé: 3

Number of résumé versions, based on job duties sought: 3

Number of interviews gained: 1 (phone)

Number of thanks-but-no-thanks e-mails: 22

***

There is a domain name out there registered to me that expires at the end of July. A domain name that I hoped would turn into a project related to diabetes advocacy, a project that I hoped would turn into my livelihood. It seemed to be the right time, soon after a mutual decision between me and my employer to reduce my hours to part-time due to reduced workload.

Then, life threw a curveball and I found myself in search of full-time employment again. It is not a desperate situation – savings account still holds four months of full-time income, and while underemployed, I am still employed.

The thing is, I am beginning to question how deep my heart is in this search for another accounting or administrative position. The thing is, I am beginning to wonder if I am sabotaging my future because of the idea of that domain name, that project, that potential for livelihood.

I am just sick and tired of seeing the thanks-but-no-thanks e-mails, after all the time I spend searching, applying, and tweaking my résumé when I could have been creating my livelihood with that time.

Funny how Genie chose “blue sky” (or “to float big ideas around, like brainstorming with no limits”) as this month‘s Living Out Loud topic, when that is all I seem to be doing lately. I keep dreaming big, not for a big salary, but for big personal satisfaction.

I know what is realistic. Stop dreaming for awhile, stop dipping into my savings, and accept that I must find something less than perfect to pay the bills.

(But I am still renewing that domain name in hopes that dreaming of the project, of the potential livelihood, was not just a fantasy.)