Category Archives: Writing

For the past several weeks, it seemed that there was never enough time to write. Then why was there more than enough time to read?

Reading allows an escape from one’s own life to enter the lives of other people, whether based on fact or fiction.

Writing allows an explanation of one’s own life, allowing others to enter into that which may be told through essays, poetry, or autobiographical fiction.

These days, I prefer the escape into reading than the explanations writing demands. There is not much to say, at least not much to say that I want to say, that I can say.

Perhaps tomorrow, I will suddenly find a voice again. Or maybe next month. Or maybe not even until next year.

I am not worried (yet). Until it comes back, there is the possibility to escape through reading books.

Fifteen minutes straight writing…begin…right…now.

I don’t believe in blackouts to protest the whole SOPA/PIPA mess. (Obviously, since I am writing this blog post this morning.) Ok, so I don’t even understand some of it, and frankly, I have more important things to worry about. From what I do understand, it would only try to bring down sites that are doing real harm (counterfeit prescription drug ordering sites and other scams come to mind). I’m not saying that perhaps the language could be a little more friendly and a little less damning, but I also see a purpose in consumer protection. Not to mention how often I find my blog content (both from here and from other places for which I have written) on foreign mirror sites without links back to the original pieces. I find it kind of funny that people who have complained about skimmed content are all up in arms about SOPA/PIPA. Again, I don’t claim to understand much of it.

Same goes for my plans to visit Chicago. In the middle of February. You would think the real cure for cabin fever would be going somewhere warm. I’ll save that for next winter.

Not much to say about Paula Deen’s disclosure of her type 2 diabetes. I wish she had come out about it sooner, to help others, not because she got some lucrative deal to promote a newer, expensive drug to treat the condition. Oh, and butter and other animal-based fats do not cause of type 2 diabetes, every much as sugar and like products are not, either. It is often genetics first, lifestyle factors second*. Anyways…

Let me gulp down this coffee and jump in the shower so I can get to work on time.

*EDIT due to a shower thought: Forgot about environmental factors like pollution and chemicals that may mutate genes, too. Probably should put that in front of lifestyle factors…

Fifteen minutes straight writing…begin…right…now.

Nothing to write about, or at least, not enough time to write about what I want to write about.

Received my portion of Neppie’s ashes yesterday. Still need to write a poem about her. For now, I shall keep them in a special spot until I figure out what kind of permanent tribute I want to make to her.

New supervisor at work, and she seems awesome so far. Still struggling with other stuff going on there, though hopefully that will see some kind of resolution soon.

So, yeah, panic attacks. I’m having them again. All triggers have been identified, though it freaks me out to think how varied the causes were. Not wanting to come back to Colorado my last night visiting family, stressing about a small airport’s security the next day, losing Neppie, the work stuff (enough to make me call in sick one day last week), and then the kicker.

I read this book, the majority of it on Saturday, where one of the main characters dealt with debilitating panic attacks as a result of PTSD. I couldn’t take my mind off it, especially given the recent panic issues, and on Sunday morning, had one of my worst attacks ever. (If you deal with panic attacks, do NOT read Marian Keyes’ The Brightest Star in the Sky.)

Down to one cup of coffee each day – I wish I could do without, but right now, as I am trying desperately to sleep without popping a pill, I still need a pick-me-up in the morning. The humidifier IS helping with sleep issues (white noise? less throat/nose dryness? I don’t know).

Since I woke, it started snowing. Only light snow, but it is also quite windy. This should be a fun morning commute. Going to try to catch the earlier bus that I sometimes take.

Oh…happy birthday to my dad!

Pizza, wine, and cheesecake

Not exactly the perfect choice each week, with all those carbs and calories.

But, you see, it goes beyond the meal itself.

Far too often I feel rushed to write all I can on a small computer screen…

So the thanks goes towards the time I can write on paper.

Far too often I let myself brood alone over the day’s woes…

So the thanks goes towards a sweet reflection on the day and coming out feeling a bit more positive.

Far too often I feel lonely…

So the thanks goes towards the staff who allows me time to feel special.

What can I say?

Pizza, wine, and cheesecake.

I look forward to it each week.

Fifteen minutes straight writing…begin…right…now.

Monday night football. Or maybe not if the power keeps going out at Candlestick.

Not to say there isn’t any crying, not to say there aren’t any sad days, but I’m doing markably better than most years considering the time of year. It must be the promise of spending Christmas with family, it must be knowing that things are getting settled, it must be the plans I’m making to be closer to family sooner rather than later, it must be all the sleep I’m getting.

Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes when you’ve had months of insomnia, you suddenly get hit with the ability to sleep well in long stretches. So much so that you can barely wake up to the alarm. So much so that you go to bed before 9pm most evenings, even on weekends. This is reality for two weeks.

Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes when you’ve been less than busy at work, you suddenly get slammed with a ton of stuff to do with no end in sight. So much so that you worry just a little about being away for a few days, even though you know you need that time with family.

So much so that you are finally sleeping well (too well) after so many months of struggling.

So much so that you can’t get stuff in order in your personal life because it’s all work and sleep. So much that the only time you write is once or twice a week instead of nearly every day.

And yet, there is little feeling of being overwhelmed. A little frantic, a little frustration, but this must be what “normal” minds feel like under stress. What it feels like to be busy under stress, BUT with enough sleep and enough self-care that sheer panic and anxiety don’t happen.

Or maybe I’m just getting older, wiser, and more willing to care about the big things instead of the small stuff.

Fifteen minutes straight writing…begin…right…now.

Knock on wood, awesome sleep has found me for the better part of two weeks. Sure, the Vicodin the night of my minor oral surgery helped, but ever since then, it’s been totally on my own. No anti-anxiety medication needed to get to sleep and stay asleep. Who knows why, I will certainly take it. I-can’t-get-enough-sleep is so much better than I-can’t-sleep.

Work is crazy-busy. So much going on that needs to be finalized, like, last week. Yesterday was the stereotypical shitty Monday, though at the end of the day, I received some good news I was not expecting. Not with last week’s drama, anyways. At my six-month review, I received a small raise and only a month later, I learn of a small year-end bonus. I cried happy tears afterwards, instead of the sad ones I hide in the bathroom.

Instead of using that towards practical stuff like groceries or cat litter or anti-depressants, it will go towards pampering. Things that have not happened in ages – (1) a real haircut at a real salon instead of going to one of those cheap chain places (or even worse, cutting my own hair) and (2) a massage, the first in over two years.

Before I even knew of the bonus, I splurged and picked up a small beef filet the other day to have for dinner last night. I managed to cook it perfectly, pink throughout the middle with a nice char on the outside. Coupled with asparagus, for a few moments, it felt like spring.

Of course, it’s not. The snow from a week and a half ago is lingering on the ground, something that rarely happens around here. It just hasn’t warmed up long enough for it to melt completely. And yet, even with cold in the air and snow on the ground, I still remain firmly entrenched in Christmas spirit instead of SAD.

Eleven days until Christmas Eve…and the next trip to Wisconsin :)

Fifteen minutes straight writing…begin…right…now.

The minor oral surgery went well, some pain on Friday afternoon and evening, exhaustion on Saturday, but feeling normal by Sunday. Well, as normal as it gets when you have a new “tooth” to feel your tongue around and try to chew around. (Long story short, baby canine tooth was extracted, implant and temporary crown placed.)

It’s a little ironical that the dental work will cost about the same amount out of pocket than either of those open abdominal surgeries I had in Dec ’09 and Apr ’10. Excellent health insurance, dental insurance is just a joke.

So, yeah. Two years ago today was the choice between ICU or exploratory surgery to deal with the 10-cm mystery abscess. I thought I left all the tough days behind me in the hospitals. Ha.

Work has become difficult. Navigating office politics has never been my strong suit. I just want to go in, do my job, do it well.

I spent Thanksgiving alone. “At least now you’ll be spending Christmas with us,” my mom comforted me the other day. I know she hurts from not being here with me two years ago in the immediate aftermath of the mess, but I had support here then. Now that’s gone, now is when I need my family, now is when I need to be with my family.

I need each and every one of them, even when they frustrate me.

Just like the freaking Chicago Bears. The season isn’t completely written off, but I don’t have much hope. Always next year?

6:45 am.

Only chance to sneak in a quick blog post and avoid ruining a NaBloPoMo effort.

Before long, the little ones at my brother’s will wake and another hectic day will begin.

One where I might hear “Aunt Rachel” several times. :)

Fifteen minutes straight writing…begin…right…now.

I am staring out my window, at the pouring (cold) rain, wondering if I will need to exercise the rare option of working from home tomorrow. While the VPN is excellent, and plenty of people telecommute, my position is not meant for regular telecommuting. OH well. At the very least, in my department, safety is the first priority during snowstorms instead of showing up to work, even if it means taking vacation or personal time.

Just got finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. While some of the main character’s experiences are unfamiliar, some of his thoughts and some of his teenage unpolished writing are so hauntingly familiar to me. Add to it, that it takes place during the year I was a sophomore in high school… sigh. Just heartbreakingly familiar.

I have been out and about “participating”, as Charlie is told to do in that book. “Let’s Talk About Books” club, which brought forth said book, is kind of cool. Not any particular book is discussed – just our overall favorites and recent favorites.

Old co-worker A and I met for lunch the other day.

And I got around to a two-year-old’s birthday party, where most guests were adults and with some adult beverages. No real explanations of what’s going on in my life needed with these strangers, lots of talk about football and Germany and the lack of real autumn in Colorado. I felt rather comfortable in the social situation, and I don’t think it was just the adult beverages I consumed – I felt like I could be myself talking about that stuff. Plus if I felt really uncomfortable, there was cavorting with small children and their toys.

I continue to drop weight without really trying – no real tries at keeping with diet or exercise, though blood glucose levels are fine, too. The only things that could be helping are the complete absence of diet soda (since Sept 29) and little alcohol consumption thanks to the newish anti-depressant that makes me hungover when I drink more than a beer or glass of wine. (The morning after the birthday party was not that bad, though.)

Fifteen minutes straight writing…begin…right…now.

Sometimes when you dream about someone vomiting upon you, you wake up to hear a cat vomiting. If you are lucky, the vomit will not be on you.

Sometimes you need to go through a whole lot of shit in order to figure out stuff about yourself that might have saved you from some of the shit. If you are lucky, you still end up learning things that are actually kind of awesome, even if you still hurt and even if it is too late to change what happened.

Sometimes your team has a rough start to the NFL season and then they get to play the worst team in their division – which allows them to regain their collective egos as they rout that team to end up at 3-3. And sometimes you go 9-4 on your entire selection of NFL picks for a week. (Which makes you wonder when you will finally play fantasy football, too.)

Sometimes you just need to watch trashy television shows you swore off a few years back. Sometimes you remember why you swore them off as they are even more ridiculous than they were back then. Sometimes you think you could live without a television, and then you remember how much you love watching football and hockey on said television.

Sometimes you need to stop saying “sometimes you…”.

I am not going to lie, there has been a certain level of disgusting boredom at work lately. Things seem to be picking up, especially with spreadsheet creation and updating in order to analyze different aspects of the program’s finances, which excites me more than it should. I like being busy, it keeps my mind off all that shit I talked about earlier.

I guess I never mentioned that my month-old crock pot stopped working in April in the middle of what should have been a delicious Moroccan chicken meal and instead turned out to be a raw mess. Two things resulted since – chicken has turned my stomach and I have not slow cooked. I must remedy the second situation this weekend with the purchase of a new crock pot. That will hopefully last more than a month.